This Had Better Be The Best MF Bread Evah

I'm a very good cook, but I've never been much of a baker. Unless you count banana bread or cornbread, which I don't, I'd never made bread before today. As it's wont to do, however, my brain started setting me up the other day with casual thoughts like, "Come on, how hard could it be? It's bread! Don't those churchy 8-year-old girls make bread for, like, potlucks and stuff? Do it, do it!" Yeah.

Attempt Number One: Do you know about proofing yeast? I didn't. This involves mixing yeast and sugar with water at the right temperature using a thermometer and it's like science class. The first time, I fucked it up by leaving out the sugar. So I waited and waited and waited until the little light bulb went off over my head and I remembered from one of my actual science classes, "Hey dumbass, yeast eats sugar, so that cup of now-cold yeasty-water is probably never going to be anything but gross." Had to throw that out.

Attempt Number Two: Proofed the yeast properly. Woo-hoo! Discovered too late that the recipe didn't want the yeast that way. Damnit. I can read, I swear. Had to throw that out, too.

Attempt Number Three: Turns out the recipe was bad. At least, that's my story I'm sticking to it -- very unlike the crumbly, wholly unsticky bread dough that came out of Attempt Number Three. The recipe only had 1/2 cup of water in it, and whether or not that was the problem, that's what I chose to blame. Threw out the dough and the recipe. (Also had a minor crying fit and bitched unnecessarily at E, who was only trying to help.)

Attempt Number Four, on Day Number Two: Had to go to the store to buy more yeast and more flour. Also started with a new recipe, so I had to buy shortening (who the hell uses this stuff?) and dry milk powder. Dry milk powder? Never even heard of it. I spent so much time combing the baking aisle at my local Kroger* that I have now memorized the products therein (what do you need, imitation rum flavoring or shredded coconut or icing bags? I can help!), but that damn dry milk powder was nowhere to be found. I decided it was a fictional ingredient and headed for check-out.

Came home, took off my shoes and pants, and then remembered that I threw out the rolling pin when we were packing up the kitchen in Flagstaff. Damnit! Had my first truly bright idea at this point in the process, however, and googled dry milk powder to see if I could substitute something for it and inadvertently discovered that I'd likely find the product alongside the hot chocolate mix, on the drinks aisle and not the baking aisle. On with the shoes and pants, and back to the Kroger. Bought a new rolling pin, another large mixing bowl, the dry milk powder (score), and a new striped apron. Yes, now I look tres snappy.

This time I got decent dough out of the mixture of ingredients. Then I kneaded and kneaded and kneaded. And kneaded and kneaded and kneaded. And let it rise. Then kneaded a little more. Then rolled. Then let it rise some more. Seriously, how does this stuff only cost a dollar? I would charge a hundred dollars.




::finger tap, finger tap::




Let's try it! Verdict? Overall, on a ten point scale, I give it a 7.5, maybe an 8. It's pretty damn good, and if I practiced and messed around with different recipes, I'm sure it could get close to amazing.

But I'd say the odds of me ever baking bread from scratch again (at least, without a machine) are very fucking long. I mean, you never know about things -- I coulda lost a lot of money on a bet I totally would have once made that, if we all lived to be 400, Adam Corolla would never say or do anything whatsoever that I found even the slightest bit funny, and then he hung up on that fascist whackjob Ann Coulter on his radio show and I laughed about that for days. I'm just sayin', I'm more likely to have Tom Cruise's next hairy little baby than I am to make homemade bread again.
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*Memo to the Kroger management: You know that lady you're probably paying about $8 or $9 an hour so she can stand in the front aisle of the store right behind all the registers and harass me for my lane choices tell customers which line might have a shorter wait? Here's a novel idea -- pay her $10 or $12 an hour and have her operate another register.